Lingurita de Umor – ( 1 )


Intr-un reastaurant din Marea Britanie , o musca se ineaca intr-o ceasca de ceai. Iata reactiile clientilor:

~ Englezul – varsa ceasca de ceai, si paraseste localul.

~Americanul –  scoate musca din ceasca, si bea ceaiul.

~ Chinezul – mananca musca, si varsa ceaiul.

~ Japonezul – bea ceaiul cu musca cu tot, deoarece considera ca aceasta este un supliment gratuit.

~ Israelianul –  vinde ceaiul americanului, musca chinezului si comanda alta ceasca de ceai, in speranta obtinerii unui profit si mai mare.

~ Palestinianul – il acuza pe evreu pentru actul de discriminare etnica de a fi pus musca in ceasca lui; se adreseaza O.N.U. pentru solutionarea problemei; primeste un imprumut nerambursabil pentru a cere o noua ceasca cu ceai; cu banii acestia cumpara explozibil, si arunca in aer restaurantul in care englezul, americanul, chinezul si japonezul tocmai incercau sa ii explice israelianului ca nu s-a purtat frumos cu palestinianul.

                                                                      

Anunțuri

Despre otnielabattzion - עותניאלה בת ציון

Evreica mesianica
Acest articol a fost publicat în Umor. Pune un semn de carte cu legătura permanentă.

33 de răspunsuri la Lingurita de Umor – ( 1 )

  1. Iulian zice:

    Scatianul catre fiul sau:
    – Du-te la unchi-tu John si cere-i ciocanul sa omoram musca.
    Se duce copilul si-i cere ciocanul.
    John:
    – Nu pot sa ti-l dau. Se uzeaza.
    Se intoarce copilul si-i povesteste tatalui.
    Scotianul:
    – Asta e, du-te si ia-l pe al nostru !
    Dupa care omori musca si totul se termina cu bine….

  2. Iulian zice:

    Pe usa apartamentului unui scotian scria:
    „Pentru a economisi energia electrica, NU SUNATI ! Ies din cand in cand.

  3. Iulian zice:

    Un scotian, cu ochii prin vitrine dupa oferte, cade intr-un canal. Dupa ce iese spune zambind:
    – Ce bine ca nu a fost capacul pus, ca altfel cum mai iesam…

  4. Catalin zice:

    Umorul asta … intotdeauna ne descreteste fruntile si ne ajuta sa mergem inainte. Daca ma intrebi pe mine, englezul este jos palaria, americanul, de apreciat dar ce au avut domne chinezul si japonezul cu musca aia prapadita? Mai asteptam si altele…nu muste 😀

  5. Iulian zice:

    Pacientul:
    – Domnule doctor, aveţi rezultatul analizelor?
    – Da, desigur – răspunde doctorul. Am să vă dau o veste buna şi una proastă. Cu care vreţi să încep?
    – Spuneţi-mi întîi vestea proastă şi apoi pe cea bună, ca să mă binedispun.
    – Îmi pare rău, dar aveţi cancer si mai aveti doar o luna de trait.
    Omul, disperat, cade pe un scaun şi stă să-şi revina. După un timp, spune:
    – Domnule doctor, acum spuneţi-mi şi vestea cea bună!
    – A intrat fi-miu la facultate.

  6. Iulian zice:

    Un tip merge la doctor şi spune atingînd diferite părţi ale corpului:
    – Doctore, cînd îmi apăs braţul mă doare. Cînd ating gîtul mă doare. Cînd îmi ating stomacul mă doare, tot ce ating ma doare. Este grav?
    – Nu, ai degetul fracturat.

  7. Iulian zice:

    Nevasta tot incerca sa-i sugereze sotului ce-si doreste pentru urmatoarea aniversare.
    I-a spus: „Vreau ceva stralucitor, ce ajunge de la 0 la 100 in trei secunde.” I-a daruit un cintar …

  8. Dana zice:

    Pentru cunoscatorii de limba engleza.
    Lost in the Translation

    Have you heard the expression „Lost in the translation?” When we read an English translation of the Hebrew Bible, many of the words, phrases and even whole sentences are lost in the translation. I came across this video, a humoristic view of being „lost in a translation.”

    • Dana zice:

      Pentru cunoscatorii de limba engleza care doresc sa invete ivrit .
      Hu is He
      By Jeff A. Benner
      –––––––––––––––––––––––––––

      Fred approached John. „Hello John, I heard you know Hebrew”? „Yes I do.” replied John.

      Fred: I was wondering what the Hebrew for he is?
      John: Hu.
      Fred: Not any one in particular, I just wanted to know what is he?
      John: Hee is she.
      Fred: Who?
      John: No, Hu is he.
      Fred: I thought you said he is she?
      John: Yes, that is correct.
      Fred: What is correct?
      John: Hee is she.
      Fred: I have no idea what you said. Who is she?
      John: No, hu is he.
      Fred: I dont want to know who he is, now I want to know what she is in Hebrew?
      John: Hee.
      Fred: He Who?
      John: Yes that is correct. But, hee is she.
      Fred: Who is she?
      John: No, Hu is he.
      Fred: Why do you keep asking me „who is he”?
      John: I thought you were asking me what he is in Hebrew?
      Fred: Me?
      John: That is who.
      Fred: Who is me?
      John: No, Hu is he, mee is who.
      Fred: I don’t want to know who you are, I want to know who is he?
      John: That is correct.
      Fred: But, I have no idea what I am saying.
      John: But you say it so well.
      Fred: Who me?
      John: Why are you asking me who he is?
      Fred: No, I am asking you what is he.
      John: Hee is she.
      Fred: Who is she?
      John: No, hu is he.
      Fred: I am very lost. Me is who? Who is he? He is She?
      John: Very good, you said that very well.
      Fred: What did I say?
      John: Mee is who, hu is he and hee is she.
      Fred: Well if you must know, you are crazy, I don’t know who he is and if she is a he, I sure don’t want to know her?

    • Shavua Tov !

      Foarte hazos acest video Lost in Translation . Sper macar sa zambiti , daca nu va decideti , totusi, sa radeti cu pofta. Ce spuneti?

  9. Dana zice:

    Moses
    –––––––––––––––––––––––––––

    Ten year old Mikey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Vacation Bible School.

    „Well, Mommy, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead His Chosen People out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his cell phone to call headquarters for reinforcements. They called in an air strike of the Israeli Air Defense to take out the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

    „Now, Mikey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

    „Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

    • Ioan Andrei zice:

      WOOOOW! I like it!!!!!
      Thats alsome! Ha ha ha …. mi-a plácut enorm.
      Bineinteles si celelalte, Dumnezeu sá vá binecuvinteze!!!

  10. Dana zice:

    Noah and the Ark
    –––––––––––––––––––––––––––

    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, „In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.”

    And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. „Okay, said Noah, Trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

    „Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. „You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.”

    Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.

    The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping… And there was no Ark.

    „Noah” asked the Lord, „Where is the Ark?”

    „Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I Did my best. But there were big problems.

    First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet codes. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

    Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to have a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

    I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.

    They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

    Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire.

    The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years.”

    Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. the sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

    „You mean you’re not going to destroy the Earth?”, Noah asked hopefully.

    „No,” said the Lord sadly. „The government already has.”

  11. Iulian zice:

    Un enorias ii zice alarmat predicatorului:
    – In timpul predicii de azi mi-au furat ceasul si portofelul!
    – in sfarsit ii atragem pe pacatosi!

  12. Dana zice:

    Doi batranei ajung in Rai. Un inger le ureaza de bine dupa care ii conduce intr-un loc minunat.
    Batranelul uimit de atata frumusete se intoarce catre batranica care arata superb:
    – Scumpa mea, daca n-am fi mancat bio si eco de mult am fi ajuns in acest loc extraordinar!

  13. iULIAN zice:

    „An apple a day keeps the doctor away”
    „An onion a day keeps everybody away”

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  16. Roxana Almond zice:

    Shalom : Salutare ! Sunt romanca din Danemarca si sunt incantata ca am gasit blogul dvs. Aveti lucruri interesante….. deosebite si mai ales lucruri de credinta. Eu sunt membra intr-o biserica baptista americana de aici din D-ca si iubesc Israelul ( sotul meu este american si o lecuta de evreu prin bunica paterna ). La biserica noastra avem o zi pe luna in care ne rugam pentru pacea din orient si pentru venirea lui Mesia….

  17. Joy zice:

    Hi, Otniella ! Shallom ! Go on for God sake !!!!!! God bless Israel !!!!!

  18. edmond zice:

    Shalom. Fain post !

  19. ricardo zice:

    Hi Otniella Bat Tzion ! It s marvelous to find your blog. God bless you !!!!!!

  20. corina zice:

    foarte simpatic. va multumim ! salom , salom ….

  21. dallas_karp zice:

    God bless you otnielabattzion!!!!! very nice post !!!!!!!!
    good work for our God this site !!!!!!!!!

  22. Cecilia zice:

    Salutari din Danemarca. Ne pare bine de aflarea acestui blog cu multe lucruri interesante. Numele Domnului Isus sa va fie scut puternic otnielabattzion !

  23. vaniaantonovici zice:

    Shalom d-voastra Otniela Bat Tzion. An bun cu binecavintari ceresti si multi evrei sa -L cunoasca pe Mesia..
    Dumnezeu sa vegheze cu bunatatea Lui peste Israel. Mult har in 2015! familia Antonovici

  24. dodo zice:

    imi place umorul dv. inteligent si de bun-simt…

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